Amblefifth May



Sean was summoned to meet Mrs Arrowsmith. This hoarse voiced person disgraced the name of woman. Her physical ugliness was far outstripped by the hideousness of her personality. Did her inner wickedry manifest itself on her haggard and leathery visage? Or was being so revolting something which turned her sour? Sean reflected that some ugly people are delightful and some good looking people are rats. There seemed to be no connection. On this occasion Mrs Arrowsmith was disarmingly decent.

”Sean I have been in touch with Mr MAYWETHER about your PGCE. He wonders whether it is worth your while continuing. He says you should consider how likely it is that you will pass.”

”Well let me think about it.”

”If you drop out that is a bit of a waste of the school’s money but never mind.”

”I see. I shall have to mull if over. When do I have to decide.”

”The sooner the better really. Because if you wish to continue then I shall have to do a few more observations.”

”Right. Hmmm I really do not know.”

”My advice to you is if you are serious about teaching to do a proper PGCE. I did one and it was the poorest year of my life. Of course you get paid to do one now.”

”Right. Thanks for that.”

Sean stood and gave her a mocking grin. She read the disdain on his face. He pointedly stomped out.

He contrived to be as slow as possible. Why convenience the arch bitch? He could not abide doing more lesson plans. Now he knew he would have no more lesson plans it was not that bad.

Sean had stupid lower sixth on Thursday and Saturday. He decided to pretend to be ill some of those days. This was solely to avoid that detestable class. They would be covered but this was never as effectual as the class teacher. If this led to some of them failing then more power to his elbow. That Saturday he called in sick. After lunch time he made a miraculous recovery sufficient to go for a long walk on the hilltops in the glorious sunshine. He saw countless lamb bleating merrily on the pastureland. The countryside was abundant with life and beauty. That evening he went down the boozer. There he ruminated in something he had read in a memoir by the sainted Stephen Fry. Fry remarked that at Uppingham they had said that after a few years a schoolmaster was either an eccentric or a cynic. Sean realised that after only a couple of years at the teaching lark he was both an eccentric and a hardened cynic.



Sean sauntered into the Swan. As he has anticipated Abel was already there – downing a drink. He was mildly inebriated.

”Hello there mate” said Sean

”Hi Sean. How is it going?” he said through a wheeze of tobacco stained coughing.  He extended an arm and grinned.

”Pretty good. Got a job interview next week”

”Brilliant. Well here I am knocking back a stiff one. I gave her a stiff one a couple of hours ago – hope I did not knock her up” he guffawed.

Sean was frightened on Abel’s behalf. He felt his friend has taken leave of his sense. He whispered in his ear ”For fucks’s sake do not say that out loud. There are people around”

Abel then susurrated back ”everyone will assume I am talking about Nigella”

”She is already pregnant you cannot knock her again while she is up the duff” said Sean sotto voce.  The logic filtered through to Abel’s alcohol addled brain.

Abel composed himself. ”I went for a lovely drive with a nice diversion if you know what I mean. She has a perfectly healthy complexion – no acne. ” his eyes twinkled significantly.

Why this need to brag? Sean wondered. He was jealous. He wished he had such contacts to brag about.

”Do you not feel at all guilty about this?” asked Sean.

”Why would I? She propositioned me the little hussey. What a minx going for a married man. She wants to be a novelist. She says every female writer should bed a married man before she is 21 so she has achieved her ambition early. No I never got a sense that she is getting in over her head. She is no saint or shrinking violet. She is worldly wise – knows what she is doing I can tell you!’ She wants to be a call girl she says. I pay her in cigarettes. She liked the flavour continental ones – very glamoruosj. She fanstaised about being a femme fatale – you know a spy. ”

”What if when your daughter turns 17 and her teacher boned her. Would you be cool about it?”

”Well no but I am  a father so I am protective. Anyway I am helping her revise. I mean seriously I am as well as slipping her a fatty. Another thing is she is emotionally attached to me. If I ended it now it would mess her up psychologically to keep in fucking her. She is dependent on me. It would be a cruel blow to her self esteem. You know what they say – it is discourteous to fuck someone once. Well it is poor form to have an affair with someone for one month only.”

”Well put yourself in the shoes of her parents. When they find out they are going to go ape shit. You are a corrupter of the young” said Sean. He could see that did not hit home. Abel smiled like he was immensely proud of the title.

”That is solely hypothetical since they are not going to find out. Yes, I am one of the naughtiestt husbans ever to inhabit the planet.”

”These things have a nasty habit of coming out.”

”The school would not let that happen. It would be the vilification of the school again.”

”Oh really how about those two monks who went to prison last year? The school does not hush these things up any more. When that happened it was a different era. Times have changed. You can’t get away with it. It would not be vilification since it is true. ”

At first Abel confined himself to a nod. Sean’s words appeared to sink in. Then Abel said, ”They have no conclusive proof.” He started scrabbling with his pipe to divert himself from having to reflect on the enormity of the consequences of being caught.

”Do you really want the stress of a trial at which you might be acquitted. Even if you are found not guilty your name will be ruined.”

That stifled Abel.

Later in the evening the Australian gap year people were there. One of them walked around with a bucket soliciting donations for their beer fund. Sean was happy to give them a coin. ”I gave you a shiny penny” he boasted. The most conceited young Aussie thanked him sarcastically.

Sean slept restlessly – worried for his friend. He felt Abel was a man teetering on the edge of calamity. Abel was a further reminder of what happened when people succumbed to temptation. He was being unfair to Nigella and the fact that she was pregnant compounded the cruelty of it.



Abel was walking with swagger. He was immensely pleased with himself to be tupping a pupil. He sought approval from no one. Abel was satisfied to think that he was the cleverest man in the room and an accomplished seducer.

Sean spoke to Abel in his classroom. ”You are on a path to self destruction”

”No I am not”

”You will get caught”

”I won’t get caught” he said with slow contempt  – looking away.

”You will”

”That can’t happen”

”Of course it can fucking happen”

”That can’t happen. ” He shook his head vigorously. ”She promised it would be our little secret”

”For fuck’ sake. If life has taught me anything it is this – never trust a woman. Particularly not a teenage girl. You know what they are like. So volatile. Moods up and down like a yoyo. She will fall out of love without as fast as she fell in love with you. You look at another woman and that is it – she will tell all and you will be fucked mate. It is illegal you know the consequences.”

”Illegal but not immoral”

”Well immoral is beside the point. I do not give a shit for morality. I detest moralisers. Family values – the motto of prudes and bigots. I do not value my family.”

”There is nothing immoral about it. That Prime Minister of France Clemenceau he married a schoolgirl he was teaching. Edgar ALlan Poe married a 13 year old”

”That was 200 years go.”

”Until the 20th century no one would have objected to a man bonking a girl under 18 so long as it was in marriage”

”Is that not beside the point seeing as you are not married to Helena but you are married to Nigella”

”Don’t change the subject.”

”Ok 200 years ago you could fuck a 13 year old. We also allowed slavery them. I suggest we have made an advance”

”They are physically ready. Why do we have a sex drive? Procreation. They can become pregnant so they can be boned.”

”Yes this is true that they can be boned but should they be? tHEY ARe not psychologically ready. You said don’t ruush into habving children. Hard enough for yuo – you were 22 when you first child was born. At 13 it would be a calamity – ruin your life”

”I saw a 14 year old holding her tiny sister. Thought could have been her baby”

”Maybe it could have been. It is far better that it is not. I know Helena is 17 and highly intelligent.  So it is not like fucking a 13 year old but Sexual Offences Act 2000 it is a crime and not just unprofessional. People have gone to prison for it . As a friend I am warning you. It is my duty as your mate to tell you when you are being a chump. For your own sake listen to me and end it with that girl before it is too late”

”She has me over a barrel. If I end it she will take umbrage and tell all. So I cannot jilt her. Already too far gone. No going back now.”

”Will you at least accept that having an age of consent of 16 is at least a step forward?”

”Yeah probably is” he said demurely.

Sean could not believe that Abel was so nonchalant about something so deadly serious.

Sean had observed the curious relationship between Abel and his wife. Had this turned him to adultery? Abel seemed highly sexed. Perhaps not doing anyone else for 4 years drove him to wish to stray. The 7 year itch – except in half the time.

Sean could see it now. The scandal would break. It would be all over the papers. The press would lap it up. It did not come much more newsworthy than a teacher with a pregnant wife at a Catholic monastic school fucking a schoolgirl. There were earlier hints in Abel’s persona that he had self destructive proclivities.  Sean had witnessed Abel’s behaviour at first hand. He had a penchant for drinking. He appeared to be haunted by the black dog. That was why he was sometimes high as a kite. His lessons were high octane. At the moment he was climbing the walls.

They switched to friendly banter. His duty was discharged. He had tried his damndest to guide his mate away from the shoals. But if Abel was hellbent on wrecking his life there was precious little that Sean could do it avert it. Sean did not wish to patronise Abel – he was a big boy. Abel was unraveling mentally. When he was not bonking Helena he was drinking – further straining his ability to arrive at reasoned judgments.

Then the bell rang.



On Sunday Sean went to his classroom at about 10 am as usual. He had been in Murphy’s office and fished around the DVDs. He found a fascinating one from the Reputations series about Pius XII. He thrilled to the images of His Holiness being borne aloft on the sedia gestatoria.

There was a spot of marking to do. Might as well get ahead with his work before the week began. There was fuck all else to do. There was a good roast for luncheon every Sunday. He would be up in the staff dining room for that. Not many people came along for that – the young Aussies, the language assistants and that was about it.

Just then there was a knock on the door behind him. Sean had a premonition who it might be. He turned around and sure enough it was Nigella. This time she wore a midnightblue dress. Her neckline was a bit low. Her breasts were bulging due to pregnancy. He noticed she was heavily made up especially consider it was 11 in the morning.

He nodded at her as if to say come in. In she walked. He spotted that she was wearing silver stilletoes. Her mascara was running.

”Hello Nigella” he said with cheery concern. ”How lovely to see you. But you’ve been crying?”

”Yes I have” she sniffed. She fell into his arms. He hugged her and supported her. It was an odd sensation to feel her huge bump against him.

”What’s the matter?” Sean asked. She squeezed his shoulders affectionately.

”I really need your help.”

”Oh really? Certainly. I will do anything.”

”You have to come back to the flat with me”

”Um… ok” he nodded. She took him by the hand to the door. He dropped her hand once they were in the corridor lest anyone see them and assume something untoward was afoot. She walked fast for a woman in an advanced state of gestation.

”What is it? What is wrong at home”

”I will tell you when we get there.”

”Is it Abel?”

”No he is at mass with Primus and Secundus.”

It was a five minute walk down the corridor, down the stairs into Big Passage, then a left turn, then up some stairs – in St James. Their door was just on the left.

She opened the door. He noticed she had not bothered to lock it. They were in the middle of the main school building. It was safe as houses.

Sean followed her feeling a little guilty. As he stepped over the threshold he said, ”Should I really be here without Abel’s knowledge or permission?”

”Well he brings you here for tea without my knowledge or permission.”

”Yes, I know but I am a man.”

”So my husband can fuck a schoolgirl but I am not even allowed to talk to my friend?” she put her hand on her hip. With her other hand she took his hand and yanked it. He followed her further into the flat. The sat down on the sofa in the drawing rooms. Children’s toys were scattered across the carpet.

”Excuse the mess. A mother’s work is never done. I think I am going to suddenly snap sometimes.” she said. The table was covered in cigarette stubbings.

”Hey no problem. You should see my place.”

”Oh I would like to. You should invite me around some time. Abel says your cottage is fantastic.”

”It is quite cosy”’ he conceded.

”Please forgive me if I do not make you coffee. I am exhausted”

”No need to apologise.”

”Anyway I just really wanted to see you. I meant everything is wrong in the marriage. Just everything. It is not just the affair. The afraid might well be the last nail in the coffin  but there are many others. His drinking and his smoking when the children are in the room. I even said he could smoke in the flat just not in the same room as the kids but he does not stick to that. He spends so bloody much on booze and his pipe. He is forever buying expensive clothes. I have not had an item of clothing in six months. I am not a shopaholic but like every other woman once in a blue moon it is nice to treat myself to something.” Her tears had dried and she smiled at him. Anyway he refuses to see reality. He has credit cards and he has gone mad on spending. Saying the Lord will provide. We are getting these letters to pay back – last warning, final demand!”

”Oh my goodness. That is a lot to take on board. I don’t know what to say? I am sure it will turn out all right” he said weakly. It was such a pathetic remark that he changed tack. He decided to act as though she had not just unburdened herself of all her travails. ”Well it is delightful to meet you for a friendly chat.”

”Sean you are a very good looking bloke.”

”Well thanks very much. If you don;t mind me saying so you are a very pretty lady.”

”Wow thanks. That is nice to hear. I am as big as a whale. I know my face has swollen up a bit.  Did not happen in the last two pregnancies. Maybe that is why Abel finds me unattractive.”

”You are still ravishing. I have to say this – your boobs like irresistible”

”Well don’t resist them” she shook herself slightly and edged closer to him on the sofa.

Sean scooted a couple of inches away. ”Please – we mustn’t ” he sighed. She read the dilemma on his face.

She placed her hand on his thigh ”Why not?”

”But it would be being disloyal to my friend.”

”Who has been disloyal to me”

”Well he never did anything to me”

”I am your friend too”

”Ok you are but…”

”As for Abel being your mate – it is conditional loyalty. He told me what you said – if you have any respect for me then do not fuck Helena. So he has no respect for you”

”That is true but… I shouldn’t betray him”

”Ah well at least mustn’t has turned into only shouldn’t” she simpered. ”Anyway you would be doing him a favour if you give into temptation”

”How’s that work?” he was genuinely puzzled.

”He said that him bonking Helena would make me jealous – make me want him more. Well if you do me then that will make him jealous. It will make him want me more. He said himself an affair can be good for a marriage.”

”Well – I can see a certain logic to that…” before he could finish the sentence she had risen up and planted her lips on his. He did not demeure in opening his mouth to let her tongue in.

She led his hands to her bulging breasts. He wondered if they would lactate. Their uberousness thrilled him. He argued not more and allowed himself to be seduced. She led him to the bedroom where they indulged in further frottage before stripping off. She used her dress to partially cover her torso. She eyed his body hungrily. He was now a muscular man as he had been lifting weights in the gym a lot. Abel by contrast needed to put bulk on his spare frame. He could not quiet believe he was fucking a pregnant woman. He bonked her with growing momentum. She circled her hips in a figure of 8. He was bouncing as much as he could – careful not to lean any weight on her huge convex belly. Finally he was out of control. Then he lurched up and growled like a dying bear as he expectorated his gloopy, dense white cum inside her married vulva. The windows has steamed up.

He rolled over to catch his breath after coming inside her. Their juices were mingling. ”How does it feel to be an adultress” he panted

”Fucking fantastic!” she said. ”Oh go and get me one of Abel’s cigars. I need a post coital smoke”

”But what about the baby?”

”I do not smoke – have not smoked for years. But on this one day – I deserve a puff.”

”All right ” he said getting off the bed stark naked. He hurried through the to drawing room – the last globule of sperm dripping from his urethra. He found a box of cigars and a lighter and he returned to the bedroom and handed them to Nigella. She lay on the bed – a splendid smile on her pinked cheeks. She lit it and drew on the cigar wantonly.

”You better get dressed and out of here. Mass will be over in ten minutes” she reminded him of the discomforting reality

”Glad I did not take too long then”

”No, I heard you wouldn’t”

Fortunately he saw the funny side of that and chuckled with her.

”Are you going to tell Abel”

”Of course I am. That is the whole point.”


”I am going to lie here under a sheet. Say to the boys mommy is feeling ill and daddy needs to come in to speak to her in private. Once he is in the room I will lift off the sheet and open my legs – show him the sperm. If he is going to fuck someone else so am I.”

”But will he kill me?”

”No he won;t. He is not violent. Trust me I know what he is like even when he is blind drunk – even when he is furious.”

”Why did you choose me”

”Well you are a handsome guy. You are a pleasant. If Abel were not around you could make an ok boyfriend. Anyway – the main thing is I simply had to hit back at Abel. He is not that into sex or even that good at it. I wanted to commit adultery but not with someone else’s husband or boyfriend. You are single so by doing it with you I am not harming another woman.”

”I see. An ok boyfriend – only and ok boyfriend?” he laughed and dressed hurriedly. His panic at what Able might do subsided. In a minute he was clad. He kissed her with tongues – for a second and made for the door. As he strode out he walked tall. It was a treat to fuck her – not just physically. It was good for his self -esteem which had taken a battering over the past few months. Murphy excoriated him every day. Pupils mocked him and in the school totem pole he was somewhere near the bottom. At last someone appreciated. He liked being wanted and being needed.

”Forgive me if I do not see you out” said Nigella

”No problem at all” he said.

Sean decided he had better not go to his classroom – where he might be found. He went to the garden below St James’. It was out of sight of their window but just beneath it. Being summer the window was open. He would be able to hear any raised voices.

Sure enough in a few minutes Abel came back with his children. Into the flat they went. Nigella called to him and delivered her line about feeling unwell – the boys must stay out of her room but she needed to speak to daddy in private.

Abel went into the bedroom. Nigella lay under a white sheet and smiled revengefully.

”Had a good time at mass? I guarantee you I had a better time” she said naughtily. She then lifted up her sheet to show her legs akimbo and sperm dribbling liberally from her still engorged labia that had been fucked less than 15 minutes before.

”You’ve been fucked?” Abel was astonished and then incensed.

”Yep I have. So adultery – two can play at that game” her tongue lashed.

”Almost eight months pregnant and you are having an affair.”


”Why!” he shouted – going red in the face.

”Eight months pregnant and you should have shown me consideration. I am carrying your child and you chose to fuck a schoolgirl and rub my nose in it . Well I have got news for you – women like sex too.”

”I know I give you a good seeing to. I want to do you more and you refuse.”

”Well you know why. Now I have a lover and he is much better than you”

”Who is he? One of the schoolboys?”

”Oh come on – I am not like you. No I do not prey on minors. He is someone who knows what he is doing.”

”Who is it? A colleague?”

”He is a good looking young man. Like you but broader shoulders.”

”Who is it?” he thrashed his hands from his head to his waist. Spittle gathered in the corners of his mouth.


”Sean? My mate Sean?” This reinforced his rage.

”Yes – and bloody good he was too. Made me orgasm – unlike you”

”No. You didn’t do it with him – not voluntarily. He raped you.”

”He did not rape me. I went and got him. He tried to resist me. He fought me off valiantly but I conquered him” she sniggered.

Abel sat on the bed with his head in his hands. ”You could my friend betray me?”

”Because you betrayed me”

”But I thought he and I were good friends.”

”You were but maybe you will value you me now. I could leave you any time you know – I can get a boyfriend any day. So maybe you had better start appreciating me and stop taking me for granted? That was the whole point. It is not really about the sex. It is about the betrayal.”

”I never lied to you throughout this whole thing. I told you what I was doing.”

”I implored you not do and you did it anyway. WHat about my feelings ha?”

”Well I could not help myself.” Tears welled in his eyes.

Nigella sat up. She shuffled closer to him.

”He been smoking one of my cigars?” he sniffed and say a discarded but on the windowsill

”No I have”

”That could harm the baby. For fuck’s sake I only had one. The emotional trauma you caused me could have caused a miscarriage.”

”Well …. well … that is different,.”

”So Abel. We are even now. You fucked someone and I got my vengeance on you. I proved my point. Now you know what it feels like to be a cuckold. We call it quits? Will you give Helena up now?”

”No fucking way. I am off to find Helena right now.” he got up and stormed out of the bedroom. He raced for the front  door and slammed it as he left the flat.

Nigella rolled into her pillow and wept bitterly. Her husband – what a fraud. He was a selfish bastard masquerading as a paragon of virtue.

Abel had thought of extricating himself from Helena’s clutches but not. No more vacillating.  Now he wanted to fuck her more than ever. To prove a point. None of this shed any light on his own behaviour for him. Her conduct was immoral but his was not – so he thought. He fucked Helena and Nigella got fucked by Sean: these were disparate events in his mind.



Abel had Helena’s phone number. He called her and arranged for her to go for a jog. They met that afternoon for another assignation. Helena felt very sophisticated getting her claws into a married man. He was older but not too much older. She fancied herself as a scarlet woman. She wondered whether she might soon go for someone even longer in the tooth. That would be a real feather in her cap – a middle aged man. Boys her age were stupid and had no idea how to fuck.

Sean overheard the conversation between Nigella and Abel. At times he enjoyed it. On other occasions he fretted. The way it ended gave him mixed feelings. He had not saved Abel’s marriage by fucking his wife. But look on the bright side – he told himself. At least he could continue to enjoy his colleague’s wife. Abel was becoming ever more lunatic. The marriage was at a very delicate stage. Sean told himself it could yet be saved. Could Abel’s job be saved? That was a tougher one.

Sean then hurried off to luncheon. He met some gappers there. He made courteous conversation. This chit chat barely concealed his nervousness. He was worried that Abel might come along and loudly confront him but he did not.

Helena was acting out her fantasy of being the femme fatale. She told herself it was not slutty. It was artistically necessary – gathering material for her novel. She did not love him and knew that he did not love her. In his heart of hearts he must know this could not last. It was not just sex. There was a little not of feeling there. When he seemed to muse about ending she gave dark hints that she might expose him.



Next day Sean was teaching Third Form. It was about the First World War and he savoured it. Setting the scene was very rewarding. As usual he spent too much time at the outset. He was very thorough. He had them sketch maps. He placed much faith in maps. There were plenty of superb videos to show them.

He gave but a quick glance at the scheme of work. It was useless.



Teaching Fifth form was easier since Pinfold was banned from lessons. Sean revised the Liberal Government 1906-18 with them. It was about domestic politics and not the First World War.



The next weekend Sean was going down to the Swan. He saw Murphy on the way – he was wearing a black leather jacket.

” I hope you are going to have some fun” said Murphy in his usual trademark low pitched hiss. Sean balked at the very notion of Murphy having fun.

Later Murphy was passing Sean in the alehouse. Murphy greeted Sean. Sean made eye contact but pointedly said nothing. Even Murphy was not to stupid as to miss the slight.

Sean saw Woodhead down the pub. He was one of the most despicable boys in St Olaf’s. He had had a drink which was allowed. ”You are drunk and you behaviour is unacceptable” said Sean.

Woodhead snorted – he was irritated and humiliated. ”You have to go back to the house right now” said Sean.

”What no sir that is not fair”

”You are going right now. Do I have to shout and embarrass you? I am going to tell the barman to eject you. They do whatever the school says.”

Woodhead felt extremely put out to have to leave and go home early. In fact he was only a little tipsy. Moreover, there was nothing wrong with his conduct. But he had been a cunt to Sean so he was elated to shame the boy.

That evening Sean went down the Swan. It was a fantastic day. He had fucked a colleague’s wife. It was the first time he had done a pregnant girl – quite a coup.
Sean wandered into the Swan. There was Abel brooding at the bar. The place was almost empty. Abel was half cut already. Abel eyed him beadily. His jagged amber teeth were on edge. There was an unspoken hostility.
”Had a nice time fucking my wife?” he asked in a low growl.
”Well what do you expect me to say?”
”Sorry would be a good start.” Abel was not in good sorts.
”That would be disingenuous. I shan’t lie”
”Don’t even think about denying it. She showed me the evidence – your cum inside her.”
Sean noticed some people were listening and muttering. ”Perhaps we had better have this conversation outside.”
”Is that a challenge to fight?”
”Not it is not. It is not in the nature of either of us to do that”
”You are right but maybe in this case I can make an exception”
”That would not do either of us any good – think of career. You being seen as a pub brawler.”
”All right we will talk about it outside.”
They walked out into the beer garden. Abel walked slowly – lighting a cohiba as he went.
They sat at a wooden table.
”I thought we were friends and you went and banged Nigella”
”Well she asked me to.”
”Oh she asked you to – that makes all the difference. As in you normally do it against their will?”
”No that is not it at all.”
”Well don’t you have a shred of decency. Don’t you feel a tad guilty about doing this to me – your mate?”
”Well yes – I do feel a bit guilty. Only a bit mind. But you do not have any moral authority on this one. How can you take the high ground considering what you are up to. ANyway you said an affair can be good for a marriage..”
”Well yes I did but only if the man is the one cheating.”
”Now you can walk a mile in Nigella’s shoes. It is very hard for her to take especially being pregnant. She feels unattractive – like you pay her no attention anymore. ”
”Well I want to – I want to bone her but she usually says no.”
”Abel – she wanted me to do this to get a bit of pleasure because the last few months have been nothing but sacrifice for her. You have been spending all the money, pleasing yourself, going out, getting pissed and no shagging you know who. She finally wanted some fun for herself. It has made you jealous. Maybe you will value her now and end this affair with – that certain person.”
”You bonk my wife – that is bad enough. Now you try to play marriage counsellor. That takes the biscuit. You did this for my sake? Don’t make me laugh. Tell you what Sean. We will speak about work matters – when absolutely necessary but about nothing else. Fuck off!” he shouted.
Sean got up shrugged his shoulders and walked off. He had tried to knock some sense in Abel by fucking his wife. For that much Abel should be grateful.



Sean started to call his sisters more. He wanted to be in southern England closer to them. He misused the phone in the staff room late at night when no one was around. He was proud that he had overused the phone in his last school so much that it had been removed.

He  spoke to his four year old niece. ”My name is Mr Nappy.”

She then got the ball back over the net ”You wear a Nappy”

He phoned his brother in law and put on a geeky up tight Cockney accent. ”Is that Mr Neil Jameson?”

”Yes, who is this?” he sounded tense

”Detective Sergeant Andy Sanderson here of Thames Valley Police. You have an employ named Tom Cheap.”

”Er … yes.. I do.”

”Could you and him come down the station for a little chat.”

”In relation to what?”

”In relation to a complete pisstake.” Sean said in his normal accent

”I had you worried”

”Yes you had. My first thought was what has Tom done?”






An email came around. It was time for performance management. Senior people were to be assessed. Colleagues were invited to give their comments.

Those being managed would be allowed to see the comments but not who wrote them.

Brown was in the frame. Sean remarked that he was ”bonhomous and handles situations with humour. He tells us to uphold discipline then makes it impossible to do. He  says we have a quota on how many detentions we can give. The behaviour crisis in the school is his responsibility. If he cannot take responsibility for it he must be sacked. We should expel 1% of the pupils – the worst offenders. He gives extremely rude and disruptive pupils chance after chance. This affects others and they copy misbehaviour. Pupils are divided into good, bad and neutral. Most are neutral. By allowing the bad to win he turns the neutral bad. He always takes the side of the absolute worst pupils against the staff”

For Murphy he wrote ” by far the worst colleague I have ever had. He is rude, mendacious, racist and ignorant. He sets a terrible example. He is pedantic and disorganised.”

When it came to Loveday he wrote ” In the professional development day he said if we did not follow his new timetable the school would close. This hyperbole was a blatant lie and grossly insulting to colleagues. He is scatter brained, hopeless, rude, unapproachable and badly dressed. An utter disgrace and he does not know the first thing about Physics.”



It was Exhibition Day. This was the school’s Open Day. Parents came and the school did its best to show its finest work.

The abbot gave an address. There was not enough room for all the parents to be accommodated in the main hall. Some of the overflow sat in the theatre. Plantagenet was there with his parents and grandmother. It was quite a change from his former school of Wellington.

Sean went to the house. Many parents were there. They milled around having coffee. Sean went up to Fr Augustine. ”My tutees’ parents are here but they are not coming to talk to me.”

”Go and say hello” said Fr Augustine plumping his lips and raising his eyebrows to accompany and shrug as if to say – best I can do, give it a shot.

Sean did not bother. WHy should he try. He overheard two middle aged mothers. ”I am going out for a smoke ” said one.

”Have you thought of giving up?” said the other.

”yes you are right  – maybe one day. I keep putting it off.”

There was VAN BOOGARD’s mother. Almost uniquely for a Frenchwoman she was obese. Had she not read ”Frenchwomen don’t get fat”. She spoke excellent English in terms of grammar and vocabulary but her accent was like a stage Frenchwoman.

Sean wandered out. He went to the library. Murphy stood there smiling poisonously. There was a display of some work. There were signs up about what was going on in  the department. It mentioned Miss Cavanagh’s ”well planned lessons.” This prissy bitch was certainly extremely eager to produce stacks of paperwork. As for actually knowing something about History or even pronouncing words correctly – there she fell down.

”Hello Sean” Murphy simpered. Sean blanked him.

There was a newsletter out. Sean leafed through it and saw news about various membersof staff. The school had released information about him without his say so. ”Mr Gallagher is moving to southern England to be closer to his friends and family.” The notice pointedly did not thank him for his endeavours. Bastards.

Sean later went up to the staff room. He abused the free phone. He recalled what Brown had said in a staff meeting ”This phone is for work calls only. That doesn’t mean you are not allowed to call your spouse and say I am going to be home late. But this is not for private phone calls to New Zealand.” Brown had been canny enough to pick that country as a hypothetical example. Nobody there came from NZ so no one was being picked on.

Sean had been on Dating Direct. He arranged To meet a girl in York. He went home and changed – had dinner. Then he got a taxi into York.

He met the law undergraduate. She had pallid skin and her dark brown hair was in little rings. She was desirable but for her overly large nose that started emanating from her skull half way down her forehead.  They went to a cocktail bar and got drunk. He gave her hickies. Though she studied at Sheffield she lived in York with her parents.

He then took a cab home. A fat cabbie drove him. ”Are you a monk then?”

”No. I would not be on a date if I was.”

”Oh that is true. How do the monks live without sex.”

”SOme of them have a very low libido I imagine. Some of them are clearly gay though I am not saying they are active. I suppose a few are very frstrated. That is why they used to molest the boys.”

”Oh God paedos yeah”

”What do you call a monk molesting a girl?”

”I don’t know” said the cabbie in his Yorkshire accent.

”A step in the right direction.”

The taxi driver chortled.

At half term Sean happily took the train to London. Train duty was a breeze. Who cared if the pupils drank at the bar?
He was off the Hogwart’s Express out of the station as quick as you please. He wandered over to Kyrle’s place in Marylebone. He had read up on the Profumo Scandal. Wimpole Street Mews was where Johnnie Edgecombe had shot at the door of one of the call girls – Mandie Rice Davies. Sean went and had a look down the lane.
Sean spent a few merry days in London. He met someone in person whom he had spoken to on Dating Direct.
It was outside the Othello pub opposite Victoria station. He was due to meet a tall Slovak who was 4 years older than him. She texted that she was sitting at a wooden table outside and feeling nervous. Then he saw her. Mila had auburn hair and glasses. Her skin was pale and she was full faced. He greeted the fleshy woman. She wore a dark blue blouse and an ankle length black skirt. The shutters were down at first. She soon opened up to him. The ambled to a park bench by Buckingham Palace. She told him how she had first some from Voivodina aged 18 as an au pair. They watched a squirrel and Mila quipped that the squirrel was a flirt like her. Mila’s deep kisses thrilled Sean and he remarked that she was accomplished at this art. ”That means I am slutty” she said. He knew he could grow fond of her. She was sincere and maternal. Her English was flawless. He was staggered that someone with a degree should chose to work as a waitress at a 2 star hotel.
On the next date they booked into a hotel in Paddington. It was just to sleep beside each other and not to copulate. He kneaded her E cup breasts and before they knew it this had turned into a 69. That led to intercourse – bareback.
Prezza was getting hitched. His bird was up the duff. Prezza wed in the same church that James Bond wed in. The reception was in a place on John Adam Street. Sean was a second class guest – invited to the reception but not the wedding. He got there – the door was on street level and it was down some stairs to the party. Matthew Bird was there with another bloke Sean had known at school – Udo. Prezza’s sister was there. Sean had not seen her since she was little and now she was 15. Sandra had served as a bridesmaid. The best man had made some jokes in questionable taste about his right to cop off with the bridesmaid.
Then he jetted off to Oslo. It cost him ten pounds to fly from Stansted to Oslo Torp. What a treat it was to see the Nordic beauties in their short summer dresses.
The week was too short. Sean reluctantly got on the train to York. It was back to work.
It was a blissful time of year. The sun shone and the birds chorused. 5th form and 6th form were on study leave much of the time. Sean finally told the school he would drop out of the PGCE so long as he was still permitted to attend the lectures in Buckingham. The request was granted. The school also said that they would not mention on his reference that he had even attempted a PGCE.


About Calers

Born Belfast 1971. I read history at Edinburgh. I did a Master's at UCL. I have semi-libertarian right wing opinions. I am married with a daughter and a son. I am allergic to cats. I am the falling hope of the not so stern and somewhat bending Tories. I am a legal beagle rather than and eagle. Big up the Commonwealth of Nations.

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