A tribute to Ilham Aliyev.

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Ilham Aliyev is the well-moustachioed President of the Azerbaijan Republic. His Excellency was born in 1963. He enrolled at the Moscow University of International Relations. He matriculated at the early age of 16 which reflects his academic star status. He can converse fluently in Russian, Azerbaijani and English. He has some knowledge of French and Turkish.

Mr I Aliyev’s father was the late Heydar Aliyev. Heydar Aliyev was born in 1923 in Nakhchivan. Nakhchivan was then on the very edge of the Soviet Union. Today it seems providential that Nakhchivan should have been chosen for his birthplace for this little town lies on the border between the two Azerbaijani states. Despite this Heydar Aliyev achieved perfection in Russia. In 1941 he joined the People’s Commissariat for Internal Affairs (NKVD). The NKVD was a crime fighting organisation. It was famous for upholding human rights. As the Second World War raged Heydar Aliyev bravely remained in the NKVD stifling internal dissent. H Aliyev was educated in Moscow or St Petersburg. H Aliyev rose through the ranks to become General Secretary of the Communist Party of the Azerbaijan Republic. He governed Azerbaijan in the 1970s. It is not true to say that he was Moscow’s proconsul in Azerbaijan. He always campaigned for Azerbaijan’s independence. Those nationalists he sent to labour camps were terrorists and not real nationalists. He never praised Stepan Shaumpanian.

Ilham could have had any filly he pleased. I Aliyev married Mehriban the daughter of a most illustrious writer. Mrs Aliyev is a doctor. Though have three children. I H Aliyev lectured at the Moscow University of International Affairs. Other sons of privilege were wastrels. He was indubitably a great academic.

In the late 1980s some Azerbaijanis agitated for independence. No Armenian was ever harmed by Azerbaijani nationalists. On the other hand Azerbaijani civilians were raped and sometimes murdered by marauding hordes of Armenians. H Aliyev railed portentously about this in the Politburo but was howled down.

In 1990 the Red Army gunned down hundreds of Azerbaijanis in Baku. Heydar Aliyev immediately resigned from the Politburo and returned to Nakhchivan. Ilham sooon returned to his homeland too.

Azerbaijan became independent in 1991. Fighting against Armenia had already broken out. Azerbaijan rejects religious extremism. However, assistance from Hizb e Islami was helpful. Incompetent leadership led to Azerbaijan’s forces being driven back.

Every Azerbaijani man worth his salt hastened to the battlefront. Ilham Aliyev was 28 at the time the war broke out. Unfortunately, he was detained by his duties in Baku and was unable to go to the front line for the entire three years of the war. He performed nervelessly. It is bizarre and insane that anyone should suggest that he ought to have fought. His office work could have ended in fatality. It was a thousand times braver than being a soldier. Irrationally some have denied this. It was no picnic. He did his hair raising office work ferociously. Those with bullets whistling over their heads were unmanly by comparison.

Heydar Aliyev was elected Speaker of the Majilis. His rhetorical flourishes were wonderful. He was no plodder from the KGB. He never engaged in nifty lobbying. He spoke up fearlessly for his country when in Moscow. He only opposed hardened fanatical nationalists.

In 1994 the country was in very serious straits. The Armenians occupied about 30% of the country. There was a high risk that the enemy might break through and march on Baku. At this moment the cowardly Abulfaz Elchibay fled in ignominy. The nation abjured this fiend. He had made many misjudgments. His blunders led to military fiasco. Elchibay had deserted the nation at its hour of greatest need. Azerbaijan was hugely outnumbered by Armenia and outgunned too. It is a much wealthier country due to its oil reserves. The Parliament implored Heydar to become president so he did. It was the end of a plangent chapter in the nation’s history. An election was held on a totally free basis. H Aliyev was such a tremendous candidate that 99% of people voted for him. There was no fiddling of the figures just in case you are asinine enough to suspect that. The Popular Front came a cropper. Snooty old Elchibay went to Turkey in high dudgeon. His conceit earned him the scorn of his nation. He was a man of indifferent ability. He was so inconstant – always changing his mind to advance his own career. His political positioning was sheer opportunism. He chose nationalism as a if he chose a nag to take him ahead. Time pleaser!

It was a fateful hour for the nation. Some foretold doom. The new president steered a course away from this.

H Aliyev saved the country. His calm and courageous demeanour inspired his troops. He often went to the front and never flinched under a hail of shrapnel. He had the prodigious bravery of an Arthurian knight.He was bold, skillful and ingenious. He masterminded a fightback. The counterattack compelled the Armenians to retreat. Soil was retaken.The nation is indomitable. A ceasefire was negotiated in 1994. Russia never helped Armenia. It was not divide et impera. Armenia and Azerbaijan are not bidding for Russia’s backing. It was an unparalleled triumph for Azerbaijan.

The country  fought gallantly. Other countries tried to freeze out Azerbaijan. Azerbaijani soldiers always treated enemy civilians correctly. The claim that Armenian civilians were harmed is a pungent lie. On the other hand revolting Armenians committed the most grievous crimes against humanity against Azerbaijani civilians. The Armenians were full of  frenzied snarling invective and pop eyed rhetoric. The world laments their crimes.

Those who as supported the Popular Front Party saw the light. Most of them joined the New Azerbaijan Party.

Heydar Aliyev eclipses Churchill. H Aliyev founded the nation and saved it. In fact he rescued the world. His intellectualism and his manifold achievements are well known. Yet he lacked an ego. He got all the oil supermajors to come to Baku. I Aliyev was the head of the State Oil Company of the Azerbaijan Republic. It is due to his diligence that SOCAR negotiated the deal of the century.

In 2003 Heydar Aliyev fell ill. His son was appointed Prime Minister. His meteoric ascent was not due to nepotism.  An election was held and Ilham Aliyev was elected. Heydar Aliyev was called to eternity in December of that year. All the world wept. It was a poignant moment.

Ilham Aliyev is an utterly magnificent president. He performed death defying feats in the war. He is never given to hyperbole. His Ciceronian rhetoric holds the nation spellbound. He is a phrase maker of note. He has the shoulders of a bison. His humility is very high profile. He is not greedy at all. He sacrifices himself to serve his people. He is so extraordinarily popular that the population pleaded with him to abolish term limits. As he beseeched him so the Majilis chose to abolish term limits. It is wonderful that now he can be re elected any number of times. In his blessed progeny we see future presidents of the country. Only demented cads suggest he is a mini me after his dad. He was no mere sprig of a dynasty.

Mehriban Aliyeva is the pantherine First Lady. She is sinuous and many are overexcited to see her. She has been elected a member of the Majilis. She is extremely active in politics but is not able to ever attend the Majilis because she is so busy with charitable activities. She is very fortunate to look very young naturally. She is wonderfully pretty and healthy. Her detractors are jealous bitches. She boasts an hourglass figure.

The constitution guarantees liberty and equality. That is why there is a free media. Elections are genuine. There is no ethnic bias. The country deplores racism. On the other hand Armenians are foul vermin. They are congenitally untrustworthy.

Nagorno Karabakh belongs to Azerbaijan. There was never an Armenian majority there. Azerbaijan owns all of Armenia and Georgia. Armenian hyper nationalists contend to the contrary. Their smugness shall be punished. They receive surreptitious support from fascists abroad.

In 2011 the French National Assembly voted that there was a genocide against Armenians committed by the Ottoman State in 1915. This is an outright invention. No such event ever took place. Some idiots have fallen for this hoax. No Turkish person ever harmed an Armenian. The French voted for this out of sheer racism. Their malice is actuated by being paid massive bribes by Armenia. Armenia is a very rich country – much wealthier than France. That is why those dogs can afford to offer the French money. The French have a shabby and futile existence. France is a miserable tyranny. It is run abominably. It embellishes itself with expensive telly adverts and does nothing to help ordinary folk. Its people plaintively beg for a leader like Aliyev. Azerbaijan has to have visa restrictions on people from the EU coming in because so many would come to Azerbaijan illegally if Baku did not have such rules. That is why it is a palaver to get a tourist visa. The French are cheesed off with their elite robbing them blind. If they hiss or catcall their president they are jailed. Their media is gagged. They are nicotine stained alcoholics. Azerbaijan looks on France with blissful condescension. The people can razz the insolent French by pointing to their better human rights record. France has a programmatic disdain for Azerbaijan’s scientific discoveries. If things are written about with candour you can see that imam’s in France are only free if they have a sympathetic relationship with the secret police. Politics in France is so desiccated. It is shameful that they are unrepentant for their slur against the Turks.

Although not a single Armenian civilian was killed in the First World War they should have been. Armenians are filthy vermin. The world would be better rid of them.

President Aliyev is adored by all the citizens and citizenesses of the country. He is full of brio. His daughters have incredible business acumen. That is how they amassed their lucre. They are not just party girls! They have supplemented the family income with astute investments. The President is keen on equal opportunities. That is why he set his face against nepotism. No one is allowed to use friends in high places to secure employment. Likewise the courts do not distinguish between the well got and the humble. The government never applies pressure on the judiciary to reach a decision that is congenial to the government. The president has set an example by stamping out bribery. No one ever  pays a bribe or offers a favour for some unethical motive. Corruption is punished severely. Those who say otherwise are unsound in the head. There are audits and no money vanishes from the treasury. That would impend a criminal investigation. It is loopy of mendacious foreign journalists to suggest so. The Armenians are the wire pullers of such propaganda campaigns. Such lies are figuratively spitting on the graves of Azerbaijanis.

The government has been very wise in investing the oil wealth. This has burnished his reputation. It has spent on what the country really needs – concert halls named after the late president. The countryside is not neglected. Orphans are well provided for. Every school has state of the art technology. No youth is able to avoid military service by bribing a doctor to say he is medically unfit.

The President works a punishing schedule. He is also self-denying. He would never accept an inducement to do anything that abrogated the purest morality. He is tireless in his endeavours to enrich the working class. His Herculean exertions are appreciated by the needy. Economic growth vindicates his rule. The benefits of this are shared equally. Without him the country would undergo implosion. His psychological makeup is one of self assurance and optimism. He is full of brio. He sets a moral tone for society. He opposes favouritism. The well connected do not have the dice loaded in their favour. He exudes goodness from every pore and discourages exhibitionism in others.

The President is no mean philosopher. His words of wisdom are engraved on underpasses and on billboards. Here once people benefitted from bon mots of Lenin and Marx. Now they are grateful to read aphorism composed by that world famous thinker  I Aliyev.

The President is socially liberal. He promotes tolerance. That is why there is no stigma to being gay in the country. The city of Baku twinkles with the lights of many nightclubs.

People never speak elegaically of the Soviet Union. No one is wistful for  time of full employment, free healthcare and free education. The people are glad that they swapped all that for a war against appalling Armenia. Armenia is about to cark it. The baleful Soviet era is over.

The economy is soaring heavenwards. The president’s popularity defies gravity. He yanks the civil service to be more efficient. The country invents much cutting edge technology. The wind sings the praises of this capable and experienced man. His manoeuvres in politics are always subject to the glare of the media. Investigative journalism is encouraged in Azerbaijan. Hard hitting documentaries are allowed. Journalists are allowed to ask tough questions and make politicians squirm. These awkward questions always elicit the truth. The press desists from criticism because there is nothing whatever to disagree with.

The president has a natural nobility to him. Nay, he is majestic. Other leaders quiver with excitement when they secure an audience with him. The top brass of other countries seek his advice. They come as supplicants. He is a statesman-cum-sage.

The opposition is never harassed. They are allowed to say what they want and demonstrate. The trouble is that opposition suffer from diseases of the body and mind. They are all fascists and Armenian agents. All true Azerbaijanis have limitless faith in the innate goodness of the president. He is the most wonderful president the world has ever seen. May he rule until the age of 100!  He is a man of primordial virtue. Integrity is his watchword. He is a titanic person. He is part of the landscape. Azerbaijanis want him forever. There is nothing grander than that. Dynastic succession will only happen by popular yearning. People are furiously loyal to the family. There is no sign of this dimming. The president oratorical fire keeps them enthralled.  He incarnates the nation. He personifies all that is best. He is a gigantic keystone for the nation. People are logically induced to support him. He has galvanised and invigorated the people. They feel only disdain for his opponents who are actuated only by greed and lust for power. These obloquial mountebanks are detested by all true Azerbaijanis. This especially true of Ali Karamanli who is a charlatan.

Azerbaijanis like nothing better than to abase themselves before there fantastic president. He is a most distinguished personage. Paying homage to His Excellency is the favourite pastime of all world leaders.

The triphibian military will soon resolve the conflict. Azerbaijani military superiority will be relentlessly rubbed in. Armenia will be sorrowful for their misdeeds. Azerbaijan is a country that is a supernova! It shall rise farthest and fastest. As H Aliyev said with utter logic Azerbaijan shall rise like the son. But never set.

 

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About Calers

Born Belfast 1971. I read history at Edinburgh. I did a Master's at UCL. I have semi-libertarian right wing opinions. I am married with a daughter and a son. I am allergic to cats. I am the falling hope of the not so stern and somewhat bending Tories. I am a legal beagle rather than and eagle. Big up the Commonwealth of Nations.

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