Nursultan Nazarbayev is the President of the Kazakhstan Republic. He is the Leader of the Nation. His Excellency President Nazarbayev is the genius of geniuses. He is adored by all his people. He is a world renowned intellectual. His peerless intelligence makes him the most magnificent president of all time. He has ruled the country with wisdom and foresight. He works in close concert with Russia. His counsel is sought in international fora. He is a peacemaker and has offered to arbitrate between Russia and the Ukraine. He would naturally be an honest broker. He is a father figure for all world leaders. His mastery of the world stage is unquestioned. Every other king or monarch is unworthy to loose the latchet of his shoes. It is widely recognised that he is indispensable in world politics. He is consulted on all matters of geostrategic import. At international fora his interlocutors hold him in the highest esteem. He understands the subtlety of every situation because of his native intelligence. He is sensible in weighing up options before making a decision.

His Excellency is a man of mettle and also of enormous physical strength. No other leader has the guts that he does. He is youthful and healthy. Despite his venerable age he is not mentally obtunded. He is a model and a mentor for all people to emulate. He has never made a misstep. He is a thoroughgoing hero to all his people. He has been absolutely critical for the enrichment of his people. This has earned him the heartfelt and sincere recognition of his people. It is difficult to condense his deeds into a few thousand words. His achievements are so mammoth. The nation radiates his glory. He is gleaming eyed. The love of the people vindicates his every action.

Kazakshtan is a vast land. It ranges from taiga to desert to endless pine forest. There are high mountains and impenetrable ravines. Yet from the loftiest peak to the deepest abyss the name Nazarbayev re-echoes. This nation comprises dozens of ethnic groups. They all live together in fraternity owing to the benevolence of this outstanding president.

His Excellency has led the nation for 27 years. His accession to the highest office was a turning point in the life of the nation. This is when the country started to flourish in freedom. He has overseen a cultural blossoming as well as economic growth. This has been expedited by many a masterstroke by the president.  The chain of causation has had presidential decrees all the way. He is a prodigious lawgiver.

His Excellency is celebrated by an effigy in the centre of Astana. His admirers sometimes piously trail their fingers across its pedestal.

Under his sagacious and beneficent governance the country has gone from strength to strength. People have time and again chosen to repose their trust in him. The fact that he gained 98% of the vote merely goes to show how beloved he is. The President has fully earned this trust. A thankful nation offers up fervent prayers for his health and longevity. The President is a pious Muslim and has been on Umrah. He is also the guardian of the religious rights of Christians. Under his benevolent rule there is social harmony between those of different ethnicities and faiths.

The President did not grow up in a life of luxury. This forged his steely personality. He is a man of unlimited reserves of strength. He stands head and shoulders above all world leader’s in wisdom and morality.  Like many families he was touched by sorrow in the Second World War. This has only made him more eager for peace. He was an academic star. He also has a melodious voice. Thrusting young makes seek to profit by his example. Despite this the president is self deprecating.

The President led the independence movement. He is a reasonable nationalist. He was always a nationalist including when he campaigned against nationalism. He is a descendant of a mighty clan warrior. The President is himself a man of legendary prowess. All people find the minutiae of his life story utterly fascinating. All his actions have been splendiferous. He has an elephantine memory and the heart of a lion. He is very thick skinned and has a self-deprecating sense of humour. His zest for life knows no bounds. People never tire of extolling his manifold feats. His humbleness is very conspicuous. There is social justice and income equality.

Kazakhstan is a multi party democracy. It is the freest country in the world. Many people from Western countries would like to move here because life is so much better here. The nation is giddy with success. There is a thriving political life. Debate is sometimes heated. This system of liberty is the envy of the world. This is a standing rebuttal to all those who speciously claim that this land is anything other than democratic. The notion that election results are not an expression of popular will is the most frightful rot. To vote him out would be to decapitate the state.  That would be nightmarish.

The Leader of the Nation keeps an eye on officials. Any official who is found to be on the take of faineant is dressed down. The President will not permit sluggardly behaviour in the civil service. Those who say graft is widespread are mentally unsound.

The cities shine with commerce. The Leader of the Nation has presided over an amelioration in standards of living. Manufacturing and the services industries are superb. The nation is abuzz with activity. This country can look any other in the face. This is no pusillanimous nation but one that is renowned for its bravery. Where others would run up the white flag this people fight to the last. The nation is well armed. It can defend itself even if no allied cavalry come tootling over the hill.

There is parity between men and women. Women almost never want career advancement. The president has done so much for the furtherance of women’s rights. The president has the noisy backing of all women.

The President strives ceaselessly for the upliftment of his people. He has emancipated the masses from their former state. He is indefatigable and infallible. He delivers many inspiring orations for the edification of his nation and the world. His very long discourses are listened to with rapt attention by a transfixed public. People thrill to his public pronouncements. Indeed they hang on his every word. His prolixity is more becoming in a statesman. His holds forth in impeccable diction and treats people to a bravura speech in Russian or Kazakh. His articulacy and syntax are a delight. His rhetoric is spellbinding. He is a greater orator than Quintillian, Pericles or Demosthenes. He holds forth in a manner that is orotund and oracular.

He is a friend to all people. The nation is now puissant. He feels pathos for the needy. No one is impecunious now. He has done away with pauperism.  Those who say different are a satanic crew.

The Leader of the Nation is a man of unimpeachable integrity. He lives modestly and sets an example of rectitude in all things. His moral courage and physical valour are behaviour that we would all do well to study. He has defended the Kazakh Fatherland. He has ensured that the country has the best human rights record in the world. Elections are held on a fully free and fair basis. He has been returned to office time and again. People are eager that he should preside over them forever. The rights of the tiny minority of dissidents are fully respected. The few misguided troublemakers are allowed to voice their foolish opinions. Most people recognise that this president is a man of surpassing excellence and probity. He has rooted out corruption. Government functions on an entirely transparent basis. Not a penny has gone missing from the treasury. Appointments to high office are made entirely on the basis of merit. There is no favouritism at all. He has allowed careers to be open to talent. It does not matter a fig if your father is wealthy or penniless. The bureaucracy is slick and efficient. The president his precipitated this egalitarianism.

Mr President was never a time server. He was a sincere believer in communism. He suddenly ceased to believe in it when it became unfashionable. He was outraged by the Zheltoksan Massacre of 1987. He has ordered that streets all over the country be named Zheltoksan Street in memory of this atrocity. He is sincere in his condemnation of this barbaric crime. That is why he said nothing about it in 1987 and remained part of the politburo.

Criticism emanates from decadent western countries. This countries pay lip service to freedom but are in fact unfree. They impute justice to their own governments. But we can learn a dismal lesson from them. A country with disorder becomes hellish. People in those lands yearn for order. The cowardice of their leaders has led to people being feeble. Our president will not acquiesce in such a scheme. They are bestial totalitarians who disagree with the president. They bristle with bigotry and wish to pillage the land. Some of them wish to depose the president. Infamy of infamies!

Kazakh diplomats represent their country well. They all speak flawless English and comport themselves with unequaled dignity. They are genetically special. They are the best of the people.

Educational institutions provide a matchless education. Moreover, the integrity of the education system cannot be questioned. There is no cheating at all. No one is able to buy his way into a university. Everyone who has a certificate has earned it through his or her own academic work. Kazakh universities outstrip Oxford, Cambridge and the Ivy League combined. People are encouraged to think for themselves. They are allowed to question everything and form their own opinions. This makes for a liberal education. There is non selectivity in the political and historical information provided. This achievements are entirely the president’s doing. Any mistake are the fault of incompetent subordinates.

The media is fully free. There are no unfair curbs on it. The media is allowed the widest possible degree of freedom of expression. This latitude allows all issues to be debated fully. Everyone vociferously supports the president.  People have full access to information. To insult the president would be to fatally wound the nation so that never happens. The press cannot be untethered because that would lead to disharmony. People might say things which reflect discredit on the president and these would all be putrid lies. People must be fed a diet of pro government publicity. That is the only way to achieve fairness and balance. Lese majeste shall not be permitted.

. The judiciary is entirely independent. Learned juriconsults dispense equal and disinterested justice. Their erudite jurisprudence is studied by  scholars across the globe. These judges are fastidious and untiring.

His Excellency has ensured peace, progress and unity. The country has enjoyed unrivaled stability and economic prosperity. The country is free and the people are bounding with joy. The well armed security services perform their duties with bravery, gentleness and honesty. They country is well defended. Every man is proud to serve his people as a soldier. He knows that he is ensuring that every person has freedom. The fundamental rights of every citizen are enjoyed to the very fullest extent. Civil liberty guarantees everyone a fair trial. The judiciary is entirely impartial. They are never subject to political arm twisting. It is ludicrous that some public enemies allege such things. Those who do so commit the detestable crime of challenging state power. Such anti-national agitation is anathema to all good Kazakhs. People have no time for such poisonous yacketing. Force majeure may make it needful to curtail such expression entirely.

There is no one innocent person in prison. Those who are locked up are all criminals. These foul fiends fully deserve condign punishment. Despite all this the president is very merciful. Conditions in prison are very good. Every true Kazakh fully supports the president. Kazakhs are easily divisible into two categories – those who support the president on the one hand and betrayers of the motherland on the other. These enemies of the people are all Nazis. Some of their are religious maniacs. Their inborn slave mentality is worthy only of disdain. They wish to collaborate with alien invaders. They would have the people be prey to the depredations of barbarians. Anyone who questions of the rectitude of the president is totally evil. The invective of the wrongheaded critics of the president are greeted with sheer horror by all right thinking members of society. There is no prospect that the broad mass of the population will be gulled by such untruthful diatribe. The people are allergic to such propaganda. Those who dislike the president are fifth columnists for hostile governments. They are weeviled with moral degeneracy. Those who are tender to foreign governments are wicked indeed. Those who speak of freedom of speech are apologists for such traitors. Public attitudes to such conduct have hardened.

The President was a communist most of his life. He was brought up on tales of Lenin and Stalin struggling for the emancipation of the proletariat. These heroes were in trades unions and led strikes. Nowadays in Kazakhstan trades unions are fully independent. There are no strikes because there is no reason to go on strike. Labour law in entirely fair. The president is on the side of the working man. The working class in this country has a very good deal. They enjoy high wages and extensive social protection. They are never exploited or unfairly dismissed. The so called strikes are in fact terrorist acts instigated by agents provocateurs. So-called strikers and wicked traitors. The wire pullers of these crimes are governments of foreign countries but we cannot say which countries because that is top secret.

Some evilly disposed persons have suggested that the president should step down. What would happen were this to occur? It chills to the marrow to even contemplate such a cataclysmic scenario. The idea that the president should retire is Nazism straight from the shoulder. Those fools who want to remove the president are fascists. It is shudder making to think that such monstrous thoughts should possess them. Those people in prison have committed the most heinous infractions of the penal code. They are humanely detained. Their confinement is for loathsome crimes such as sedition.

The benighted in other lands are not so blessed as the Kazakhs. They labour under the cruel yoke of oppressors. From time to time less favoured peoples fall under tyrants. Foul legends have been dished up in foreign newspapers about Kazakhstan. Vile and wagging tongues have blackguarded the president. These falsifiers of reality are shameless liars. Their mendacious reports disgrace the foreign media. Those who call contumely on the president are all demons in the pay of foreign intelligence agencies. These provocations are fiendish attempts to sow dissension in Kazakhstan. Some maladroit hacks have sought to set Kazakhs at each others’ throats. This will never happen because the people are united. The nation refuses to be divided! They stand four square behind their marvelous president. Such acts of turpitude are rejected by all right thinking persons. The foreign press sometimes say there is corruption in Kazakhstan or elections are rigged. These are disgusting fabrications. The Kazakh people are necessarily nauseated by such character assassination. These stinking slurs are treated with the contempt they deserve. These are revolting imperialist lies. It is symptomatic of the malaise in other countries that some people are gulled by such notorious falsehoods. Those who want to take the president down from his office are little better than terrorists and should be so treated. They rightly meet the moral disapproval of all good people.

Other countries are unfortunate not to have such a president. They want to schmooze with ours. Their presidents do not enjoy the boisterous support that ours does. Nor do other presidents receive such acclamation for their every announcement. Those Kazakhs who criticise him are egomaniacs and bounders. These bloated egos should not be fed. Their lies are met with complete distrust.

Labour relations in Kazakhstan are flawless. Workers are extremely highly paid. Social protection is extremely extensive.  The right to strike is guaranteed by the constitution. However, some troublemakers abused these privileges. Some oil workers became hooligans.  They were no doubt agents of a hostile power. They took industrial action.. This was holding the country to ransom. Their avarice and wickedness is hard to fathom. They launched terrorist attacks on the police. The police were obliged to use lethal force. 14 or so thugs were shot dead by the valiant police. These brutish criminals needed to be killed. Shooting them was no more than absolutely necessary. Those who say otherwise are lying and their untruthfulness is pitifully plain. It is ignominious to criticise the police for their heroic deeds. Those who harp on this incident are frustrated and agonised that they do not have as good a president as us. These jealous persons wish to impose their hideous fantasies on our nation. Those strikers were miscreants and delinquents. They were self-seeking and irresponsible. This unreliable rabble had to be put to flight. Disloyalty will be given short shrift.

All young men have the honour of serving in the military. There is no difference in treatment for the rich or poor. The troops are trained in a very humane way. They are molly coddled despite hysterical stories to the contrary. No brutality is allowed. Officers are promoted only the basis of their abilities and their achievement. Having friends in high places has nothing to do with it. Some say otherwise but we must do battle with such nonsense.

The President has laboured without rest. His rectitude and industry are famous across the world. He has built a new symmetrical capital. There are many buildings that are useful. The country has spent sensibly on urgent projects such as hosting the Asian Winter Games. It shall also host expo. These are wise ways to spend public money. His fiscal policy is far sighted and second to none in its logic. This is why he inspires such fidelity. He has co-invented many things. The nation is at the cutting edge of technology. It has also had many scientific breakthroughs.

Many countries are envious that this nation has such a superb president. His intelligence, heroism and vision have transformed the country. His thoughts are the lodestar of geopolitics. He has put the country on a sound financial footing. The economic outlook is splendid. This mighty nation advances from strength to strength. This exquisite and bounteous land shall shortly become the world superpower. The mountains re-echo with glad hymns of praise to the magnificent president. The people honour His Excellency and love him from the bottom of their grateful hearts. Every Kazakh from a new born baby to the oldest women venerates the president. He is the muse of artists and poets. The people pay homage to their ruler whose superlative benignity is known around the globe.

The Leader of the Nation rules with an iron hand like the late Lee Kuan Yew. He tolerates not evil. He has no truck with terrorists. Evil doers are liquidated without hesitation. It would be incautious not to do so. This is a democracy but an unusual variant of democracy.

The nation resounds with the name Nazarbayev. Every man and every woman swears fealty to him. They gladly pledge their children’s lives to this most distinguished personage. Every person offers up fervent prayers for the president. He shows no signs of fatigue. It is preposterous to suggest he is ageing.

Bumptious and bolshie people have their eye on his job. They are shady people. They are unreliable and will never succeed. Their self promotion is their undoing. Their disloyalty will mean they cut their own throats. They are glory chasing rats. The charge sheet against this dissidents is long. They are emetic. They are all rats.

The president is both audacious and circumspect. The nation is in the verge of a new golden age. The people must prepare unflinching for new exertions to bring this about. In the meantime there may be a need for some frugality. The nation shall then rise to permanent ecstasy. Let us ponder anew the president’s countless gifts. He is the darling of the people.Women a third of his age thrown themselves at him since he is the personification of physical perfection.

The prognostications for this mighty nation are glorious.  The millennia shall never efface the president’s plethora of accomplishments. His name shall never be forgotten. He is the very summit of purity..


About Calers

Born Belfast 1971. I read history at Edinburgh. I did a Master's at UCL. I have semi-libertarian right wing opinions. I am married with a daughter and a son. I am allergic to cats. I am the falling hope of the not so stern and somewhat bending Tories. I am a legal beagle rather than and eagle. Big up the Commonwealth of Nations.

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