Some droll thoughts

Standard

Good evening. I am from Ireland. Stop laughing. I can’t help it if I am posh.

I am new in Romania.

Few words of Romania. Normal hello – buna ziua.

Police – spaga.

No bad experience with police. They all speak some English. 50 Euros.

Law is very different here. Smoking is compulsory. Seatbelts are only for gays.

How to greet people here. Hand shake. But with Basescu get out your wallet.

You have a word for nice guy. Tigan.

Your word for nice place is Rahova.

Did not know it was Orthodox.

Did not realize it was a monarchy. People love the king. Picture everywhere. Very humble – a man of the people. Speaks in normal language. Do I say his name properly? Gigi Becali.

Leader of gay rights movement. Vadim Tudor.

One problem here. Wild animals. Dangerous, unhygienic, hang around in packs. Makes me afraid to go into the park. Basescu when mayor tried to solve it humanely. Enough about the gypsies.

They all have horses and carts. Now we know how the horses got that smell.

I am not against Gypsies. I fucked a few of them. Nice to see so many of you here tonight. The real reason foreign boys are in Romania. Hands up foreign boys? Yes – prostitutes.

I prefer Gypsies girls to normal Romanian girls. Cheaper.

 

A lot more Romanians are Gypsies than admit it. You bought them from Tartars as slaves. Do you want your money back. Can we go back to Mongolia? How do you know if you are a Gypsy?

  1. Does your mother weigh more than your car?
  2. Ladies, do you put your make up while smoking?
  3. Men do you think that a traffic jam is a good excuse to pick your nose?
  4. Do you think a good night out is going to Gara de Nord to sniff petrol?
  5. Do you think you are generous for allowing Romanians into Romania?
  6. If you married before you could shave.
  7. Do you collect old iron for a living?
  8. Do you only go on the metro to get out of the rain?
  9. Do you use your underwear for swimming?
  10. Did you turn your wedding ring into a tooth?

Romania is blowjob capital of Europe. We have to thank Ceausescu for one thing. The Balkan elmo fudd voice. Communism was not all bad. No abortion = good blowjobs.

One whore said she charged 500 ron. Does she have 10 tits or 2 twats? I am booking her for me not for a whole football team.

I had a 40 quid wank. Perfect massage –  good for your health. They had a licence from ministry of justice. Better than DIY. No blowjob. Oh so the licence is for hand job not blow job. As soon as cock meets mouth some line has been crossed.  Why no blowjob? Are you vegetarian?

Sex is the funniest topic. The truth is always the funniest thing.

Wasn’t there something funny about everyone you had sex with?

Sheila – lost my virginity to her. A nurse 15 years older than me. God bless the NHS. Her belly slapped against mine.

Angharad – stubby toes, outsized head, anal beard.

Kehinde –  black girl. Pink on the inside. Thing was her twat was tighter than her anus. She was Muslim. Said Muslims girls prefer to take it up the wrong one. Oh I am a technical virgin. That is low tech contraception.

Patience from Zambia. No morbus africanis. Pendulous tits.

Girl named Sarah –  could not fuck her when she told me she had attempted suicide. She tried that before I fucked her not afterwards – or during.

Dumbest girl I fucked was Lana. She was a virgin. I asked for a blowjob and when it came to the crucial moment? She blew. Everyone around school walked by her going pffff.

 

The most annoying girl was Emma. Only reasons I wanted her to suck me off was to get her to stop talking.

 

Why do people complain about premarital sex? There is no sex after marriage? Marriage is not a prison. You get regular sex in prison. I understand how people have children. We all make mistakes. How do you have a second child wit the same person?

A great way to avoid fucking a girl ever again. Have a child with her. I saw my girlfriend give birth. I had not expected to see so much blood. Now I know why all gynaecologists are gay  – except the female ones. After seeing that so many times you want to go home to something different.

 No newborn is ever beautiful. My son looked like a wet St Bernard trying to come in through the cat flap. I should have widened my girlfriend out more.

Did we film it? No we did not. Filmed the conception. You can see that on the internet. I had to pay the hpsotal bill somehow. If you film your wife’s childbirth she should film your haemerrhoid surgery.

She used to be tight as a Jew’s fist. Or as we say in Ireland, tight as a goat’s arsehole. How do we know?

Now I play the guitar with her labia. Giving her cunnilingus now is like sucking goose flesh.

 

I walked in on a girl named Katie on the can when she was 13. She was nude. Must have had an effct as she is now a lezzer.

 

 

Wanking.

I do not get much sex. Mostly I have to masturbate.

85% of British men wank. How do they know. Hands up who does? Right  –  remember not to shake that hand.

Who else does an ass wank? Come on the prostate gland exists? I am doing my bit for men’s health –  raising awareness. Close you eyes and raise your hand if you go? Does anybody else find wiping their arse is an erotic experience?

Seriously I am not gay. I grew out of that a long time ago.

How can you stand the smell of men and the sight of them – big and hairy? Reminds me of my mother.

 

No I am not gay. I am too worried about AIDS. Know what is stand for ?  –  – – –

 

I stick you wanking. I remember  aged 8 we went on a school trip. STAYED IN a youth hostel.

Why do we say wank? I tell you why. Army beds –  wanked our brains out. Springs on those old army beds make a noise

 Wank wank wank wank. No bed in the world says masturbate unless it is a Hungarian bed.

 

Irish jokes.

Just to show I am not racist- some against my own people.

We are the most Christian people in Europe. We have to be to forgive the English. We pray a lot. You would too with our economy.

We are a very artistic people – imaginative. Our finance minister thought  100 billion euros would pay a bill of 200 billion.

Jesus was Irish. He live with his parents till 33. His last night he went drinking with friends. His mother thought he was the son of god. He thought she was a virgin.

Irish girl Dolores left Dublin and took boat to England. Promised she would call her sister Bridget every day. Gets to road and sticks her leg out. She heard that is a way to get a ride. Picked up by old man in sports car. I am a DJ. District Judge? No disc jockey on radio Dublin. Oh we listen to to daily. Can you make an announcmenet to my sister. No way. Please I will do anything –  anything, anything –ANYTHING. You really mean? YES. Pull over at layby. Into woods. Kneel down. Never done it before. No need to be nervous. Gte it out. Holdi it gently between forefinger and them. Open your mouth. Ok – ‘’can you hear me Bridget?’’

 

Religion.

 

Jesus wanted to rest for the afternoon. Goes to an inn in Bethlehem. Don’t I recognize you from 33 years ago? No stable is gone. I give you 3 nails – put me up fro a few hours?

 

I was brought up RC. Poor old Michael Jackson accused of behaving like an RC priest.  How did priests seduce children? Trail of sweets into the confession box? Prayer gestures and blowing kisses?

 

How do they separate the men from the boys in RC church? Using crowbars.

What is the difference between a priest and acne? At least acne has the decency to wait till you are 12 before it come all over your face.

 

 

Islam.

 

I am not against Muslims. I told you their girls love anal. I like the Koran. 4 wives and you get to treat them like shit. Way to go!

I want to convert to Islam all except for the circumcision. Female circumcision ios good. Fewer requests for cunnilingus.

My cousin Ed works in Afghanistan. He wants to open the first Irish pub in Kabul. I said they are all Muslims they are not going to go to the pub. He said they will. How. Heis gonna call it the Prophet Mohammed.

 

Poor Osama. Not a typical Muslim. Jihadi it coming.

 

They asked the soldier who shot him – why did you shoot him 23 times in the head? I ran out of bullets.

Osama liked a drink. He makes cocktails. 2 shots and a splash of water.

President Osama. I mean Obama was nice enight to hold off the killing till the royal wedding was over.

Kate and Wills going on honeymoon. They looked for somewhere out of the eye of the media; They found a nice hideaway with a spare room now and the wall has just been redecorated.

Osama has joined a band – the drifters.

 

 

 

Teaching.

 

My day job? Yeah you guessed it. Teaching.

 

Hardest things is remembering names.

3 boys called Alex. I called them the brain, 4 eyes and speaks no English.

I have names for all of them.

Breezy, Cheesy, Greasy, Measley, Queasy, Sneezy, Wheazy, Japanesey and Zeezee.

CHippy,Dippy, Flippy, Gipsy, Hippy, Lippy, Nippy, Quippy, Tipsy, Whippy, Yippee and Zippy.

Botty, Dotty, Grotty, Lotti, Knotty, Potty, Rotty, Spotty, Sotty, Snotty, Wotty, Yachtie.

 

I take my job seriously. It is a serious business avoiding doing a ny work. Teaching –  it is better than working. We are all in it for the holidays. Teaching is not working – it is getting other people to work. If you are a good enough teacher the pupils do not need you. 

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About Calers

Born Belfast 1971. I read history at Edinburgh. I did a Master's at UCL. I have semi-libertarian right wing opinions. I am married with a daughter and a son. I am allergic to cats. I am the falling hope of the not so stern and somewhat bending Tories. I am a legal beagle rather than and eagle. Big up the Commonwealth of Nations.

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